To It Again

I've Moved!

2011-03-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

In case anyone is still reading/subscribed here, just wanted to let you know that for various reasons I decided to relaunch my blog over on Wordpress. Please follow me at my new space, Lettuce Eat Cake!

Updates Coming...

2010-05-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, I've been ridiculously out of pocket lately! Work and choir season have really been kicking my ass lately. I have some big posts roaming around in my head, but here are some hints of things to come...

--When last we spoke, I weighed around 193. I now weigh 184!
--For the first time in about four years, people are commenting that I've lost weight.
--I've been doing a somewhat intense diet, something I haven't done in many years. But I'm learning a lot.
--I think it's time for some updated pictures! In my first post, I showed you the typical "before" picture. Let me tell you, I now look a lot thinner than that picture!
--I feel really proud of myself.

As I said above, more to come!!

Dear Lauren,

2010-03-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well, that was pretty fun, huh? Full-fat salad dressing and a tall Blue Moon on Friday night, accompanied by at least three servings of cookies and cream Edy’s once you got home?

A double serving of pumpkin pancakes on Saturday morning, once everyone was gone? If no one saw you eat them, they don’t count, right?

And who can forget the seven beers you had over the course of Saturday, three of them high in calories? Not to mention the extremely greasy pizza you had later, and the slice of banana cream pie once you got home. You made the pie “for Jeff’s birthday”, right? Funny that thus far you’ve eaten more of it than he has.

Okay, so we’ve been over Friday and Saturday—what the hell happened on Sunday? After having a healthy, filling lunch you proceeded to lay in bed and snack ALL day. By 4 p.m. you were eating vanilla ice cream out of the carton. Another slice of that damn pie. Pretzels. Then a slice of leftover pizza. And a small bowl of cereal.

And the icing on the cake? No workouts since Wednesday. Despite your attempt to stick to a manageable workout schedule this week, you let life intervene. Jeff’s friend was coming into town, so you needed to clean, get groceries and run errands. Then it was Jeff’s birthday, so you couldn’t possibly find time to do a 30-minute DVD.

Now the new body fat scale you treated yourself to has arrived, sitting like a cruel joke in its unopened box. Remember how you were excited to start watching your body fat go down?

I’m not intending to beat you up here; you and I both know making yourself feel like shit won’t help the situation at all. This was a slip up, and you can absolutely recover from it. You used to eat like that every weekend, remember? You often went weeks without working out, didn’t you? And on Saturday you sure got your heart pumping by walking around town and lugging groceries five blocks home. Old Lauren would have waited until a car was available.

So we can turn this around, okay? First of all, start tracking. Right now. Get it on paper. Secondly, make a healthy dinner and work out tonight. And then weigh yourself tomorrow on your fancy new scale. Are you up? Probably. But you need to see the damage if you want Saturday’s weigh in to be a success.

Additional Car Sharing Benefits

2010-03-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

So as I mentioned, Jeff and I are now sharing a car. While it's certainly inconvenient at times (like Thursday, when I was stuck waiting for him after an on-site client meeting for 70 minutes), I realized there are some definite benefits:

1. Eliminates temptation to make secret drive-thru runs

It doesn't happen too often anymore, thankfully, but occasionally I still have the urge for a "secret" snack at McDonald's or Burger King. I'd run out on lunch for BK chicken fingers and fries, or swing by McDonald's for a milkshake on the way home from work. While I wouldn't exactly classify it as "secret" eating (I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure Jeff didn't know about it), I wouldn't be shouting my little indulgence from the rafters. Now if I want to stop for ice cream on the way home, I have to tell Jeff about it. And we can go together. Just not very often!

2. No more lunch-break shopping runs

At least once a month, I go to the TJ Maxx near my work and spend anywhere from $30-$80 on crap for myself. A new top, new shoes, housewares stuff, a new purse. I look forward to these trips and usually plan them around my paychecks. I've even had months where I've spent up to $170 on these little lunch-time escapades. Without a car, I am no longer able to incur this sort of damage.

3. Cuts into afternoon snacking time

Jeff's schedule is a bit later than mine, so back when I had my own car, I'd usually beat him home. The first 45 minutes after I walked in the door weren't far from a snacking free for all. Granted it wasn't extremely unhealthy food, but it wasn't uncommon for me to have three snacks in a row during that time. Grab some almonds, have a string cheese, grab a sugar-free rice pudding cup. All of this on top of my real afternoon snack at work. Before I knew it, I could easily consume up to 500 calories of unplanned snacks. It's sad to admit, but I loved this time. I loved coming home and spending an hour and half alone, snacking in bed while watching trash TV. It was MY time. As much as I love Jeff, I thoroughly enjoyed that little hour to myself to eat, watch TV and nap. It was my favorite time of the day.

That time no longer exists. We get home together, and it would be weird for me to start snacking when dinner needs to be made. So I make dinner, work out, shower and read in bed. Reading in bed has become the new snacking in bed. I suppose that's progress! :)

Great weather, great tunes

2010-03-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

We're having gorgeous weather here in Boston! I'm planning a nice long jog/walk after work tomorrow, and I decided to make an awesome playlist to go with it:

I forgot the difference awesome tunes and good weather can make in a workout. I'm expecting to feel energized and fantastic afterward. Bring on Spring!

No One Said It Would Be Easy

2010-03-15T08:13:00.001-07:00

Sorry I’ve been so MIA! Work has been really crazy lately. Also, the lease on my car ended a few weeks ago, so Jeff and I are now sharing his. My office is right on the way to his work, but it adds time to my days since he works later than I do, generally. Although the past couple weeks I’ve repeatedly had to make him wait outside for over an hour while I frantically finished up things at work. Like I said, it’s been hectic! I really dislike March; it feels like five weeks long.

I’ve been doing pretty well on the weight loss front. Because of the car sharing situation, I can no longer attend my Wednesday Weight Watchers meeting. My usual routine was to have a small breakfast and only one cup of coffee on Wednesday mornings, get weighed in around noon, and then drink my water and have a pre-lunch snack during the subsequent meeting. It worked well. The meetings felt like a fun distraction from work.

Now that I don’t have a car with me at work, I can’t leave during my lunch, so I’m forced to attend Saturday morning meetings. This means Fridays now become my “cram day” before my weigh in. Anyone who has ever done WW knows what I’m talking about. You count your Points carefully, making sure to get a lot of fiber and avoid high-sodium foods. You drink a lot of water. You try to get in a really hard workout. Usually, if I craft my cram days smartly, I can drop an extra .5 pounds before my weigh in. And if I’m not down or slightly up by cram day, I can usually eek out a small loss or at least maintain by really pushing myself and watching my Points.

Now all of this has to take place on Friday nights. Instead of coming home and relaxing with a glass of wine and a special dinner to reward, I have to have something low in Points, avoid the alcohol and exercise HARD. Quite the rewarding evening.

For the past couple weekends, I’ve struggled immensely with feelings of entitlement. I worked late on Friday night, and even once we got home around 7:30, I still had to spend about an hour finishing up a project before I could officially declare it The Weekend. I could feel my resolve weakening, so we stopped at Dunkin Donuts on the way home so I could grab an iced coffee with a splash of skim and Splenda. I knew I needed a caffeine burst to help avoid the wine/beer temptation. Having a drink would have been detrimental for four reasons: I’d have less motivation to finish my work project, I’d be virtually unable to do an intense workout, I’d be more prone to snacking and overeating, and lastly, the alcohol itself would likely make me retain water before my weigh in.

Once home, I threw together some dinner before starting my work project. I cut up about two pounds of red potatoes in wedges, then tossed them with 2T olive oil, 3T Dijon mustard, a splash of Balsamic vinegar, some minced garlic and rosemary, salt and pepper. I threw them in the oven to roast along with two frozen chicken breasts. Knowing the meal would take at least 45 minutes, I finished my work project and downed my coffee. Toward the end, I had Jeff cut up two yellow squash and put them in the oven with everything else to roast.

We sat down to eat—finally—a little before 10. I was deliriously hungry at that point. Jeff opened a bottle of Sam Adams Light, and I felt incredibly tempted to pour myself a glass of red. I felt ENTITLED to it. Hadn’t I just finished a grueling 60-hour work week? Isn’t everyone else my age out enjoying themselves? Shouldn’t I be able to have ONE drink and have it not affect my weight loss? Why do I have to spend my Friday night obsessing about a weigh in, anyway?

I knew I’d been pretty lazy with tracking and exercise this week, so I stuck it out. I’d stepped on the scale on Wednesday and registered 195.6. That’s a full pound a half more than last Saturday. Suffice to say, I didn’t have any wiggle room.

After dinner settled, I did an INTENSE hour of Taebo. I seriously got light-headed and felt sick a few times, but I pushed through. Then I enjoyed a hot shower, read a book in bed, and went to sleep trying to ignore the grumbling in my stomach.

I woke up and weighed: 194.4. Pretty good given my mid-week gain, but only .2 less than last week before my weigh in. I knew I wouldn’t register a loss at my official weigh in. I decided to go to Sunday’s meeting instead so I could have another day to work off a little bit more.

So Saturday I was good. I had a healthy breakfast, a grilled chicken salad from Chick Fil-A for lunch, a small portion of baked eggplant parm for dinner, and I got in a great 45-minute workout. I woke up the next morning expecting to see something in the 193 range. Nope. 194.8! Higher than the day before!

The only thing I can think of is maybe the Chick Fil-A salad was high in sodium and made me retain water. But regardless, I felt discouraged. I decided to skip the meeting again and went back to sleep for a couple hours. When I woke up, Jeff asked, “Did you go to your weigh in and come back? Or did you skip it?” I explained the .4 gain and my decision to skip the meeting. He insisted I should have gone anyway, but here’s my logic: I can accept a gain at my weigh in if I know I haven’t been working very hard. But registering a gain when I’ve been busting my ass? That just kills my spirit. I was already extremely frustrated, and I know I would have cried.

He understood that logic, but looking back he was right. I did not have a good day yesterday. I had two glasses of wine with dinner, and I way overindulged on some pita chips and this pumpkin gingerbread I made. I was pissed. This has just been so much harder than I thought it would be. In the last ten weeks, I’ve only lost 7.6 pounds. I’m only halfway to my first goal of losing 15 pounds. At this rate, it will take me 20 weeks (5 months) to reach that goal. I guess that time will pass regardless of what I’m doing, so I just have to accept how slow it will be. I do feel a fire lighting under my ass, though. I’m feeling fired up to completely own my weigh in next week. We’ll see!

Feeling Better

2010-02-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

Sorry to be so negative yesterday—just needed to express my frustration. I have no intention of giving up. :)

I ate well yesterday, went to choir practice and got home at 10:15. I STILL did an intense 45-minute workout DVD. I took a shower and went right to bed, since I have to get up every day at 6:30.

And guess what? Scales says 196.4 this morning. A new low! I guess the universe is rewarding me for pushing through yesterday. I commented to Jeff this morning that my weight was down and I was happy. He made a really interesting observation: “Your body responds really well to exercise. I don’t think counting Points alone is enough for you. It’s like good eating opens the door of opportunity for your weight loss, but exercise is what really pushes it through.”

Very interesting thought. I mean, this guy has known me for eight years and dated me for almost six. I think it’s possible he’s observed me enough to pick up on a few things. :P

On the agenda for today: Go to the dentist for my first Invisalign appointment, quick workout, make dinner and watch LOST with the guy who knows me oh so well. Have a great night!

Want some cheese with that whine?

2010-02-23T05:58:00.001-08:00

I know it’s important to be positive, but I’m going to be negative and whiny for a minute here.

WHY is it SO hard to lose weight? WHY am I up almost a pound today even though I didn’t exceed my Points yesterday? It was a rest day, and apparently I can’t have a rest day without gaining weight. I have a Weight Watchers weigh in tomorrow, and I’m fairly certain I won’t post a loss. Even after a good workout tonight, I bet I’ll only be down .5 tomorrow. And that just won’t be enough to see a loss at my meeting.

I know you’re not supposed to get this down on yourself, but I can’t help but look at my progress and wonder if it’s really worth it. Since rejoining Weight Watchers seven weeks ago, I’ve lost about four pounds. That’s it. On an almost-200 pound frame, that isn’t noticeable. Not at all. I’ve basically been busting my ass to get that pathetic loss, and I could easily regain it all within a matter of days.

Honestly, is it worth it? I expend a LOT of mental energy thinking about weight. I don’t focus on my job as much as I should because I’m busy researching weight loss stuff, reading weight loss blogs and charting calories and exercise. Even though I’d like to think I’m living my life to the fullest right now, a big part of me is hoping to feel happier and better about myself once some of the weight is gone. I’ve been this weight or heavier for almost four years now. Ages 21-25. Those are supposed to be the years you feel best about your body. And I spent them either very obese or just slightly obese. I spent them avoiding swim suits and wearing girdles.

And after all my mental anguish, I am healthier. I no longer have high cholesterol, as I did a few years ago. My blood pressure is down. I’ve lost around 40 pounds from my heaviest weight. I don’t feel like my weight holds me back in any way now. The only reason I want to lose weight at this point is to look better and feel better about my appearance. But I’m starting to doubt if all this obsession is really the best thing for me. I’m having an extremely difficult time even losing ten pounds. I expect it will take around two years of constant obsession to lose the 50 pounds I’d like. And then it will be a lifetime of obsession to maintain that weight.

I’m not saying I’m giving up. I’m just feeling extremely frustrated. It’s like banging your head against a cement wall because everyone tells you it will help you in the end. But after awhile it still hasn’t helped you at all, and you’re still suffering the pain of banging your head against the wall. Wouldn’t you have to be a crazy person to keep doing it?

Maybe my moderate approach isn’t working. This isn’t shocking my body into dropping the weight. My habits just aren’t different enough to constitute a serious change, so my body feels no need to change how it processes energy. Maybe I need to do some kind of crazy diet (think Jillian Michaels or The Zone) to get some weight off. I clearly know how to maintain, so maybe just losing it is the most important thing.

Gah, but I know that’s not the solution. I know Weight Watchers is the best plan for me to change my lifestyle and keep it off in the long run. It just really frustrates me to see myself eating better and exercising more than almost any person in my life, yet still remain fat. One of the fattest people in my entire 50-person office, actually.

I can’t remember the last time I ate something fried (other than a serving of tortilla chips a few weeks ago). I’ve had one baked treat (a 400-calorie cupcake) in the past two months. I eat all my servings of fruit and veggies every day and never eat white carbs. I drink at least 64 oz of water every day. I work out an average of three times a week and walk whenever I can. I eat red meat around twice a month. How can none of this be enough? Obviously it isn’t.

I just don’t feel like playing “the game” anymore. I don’t feel like trying to get the exact right level of calories in/calories out to squeeze out a loss. It’s a never-ending process, and it’s exhausting. I just want to live my life in peace.

Feeling AMAZING

2010-02-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to say I'm feeling fantastic! Eating well, vigorous exercise, lots of water and enough sleep--it seriously feels like a happy pill. Also, the scale is back down to 197 after my grief-attributed small gain. I'm shooting for an ambitious 195 by my meeting on Wednesday. I will need to get several good workouts and stay 100% on track with my eating, but I think I can do it.

I also discussed a fun weight loss reward with Jeff. My reward for losing the first 15 pounds will be going engagement ring shopping. We've been talking about going for awhile now, and I figured it would be a fun motivator for me. I'm already 5 pounds down, so I just need to make the next 10 happen. :D

Happy Friday, everyone!

Does Family History Always Repeat Itself?

2010-02-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

I never made it home to Indianapolis. Even though Boston barely got an inch of snow, the blizzard-like conditions in New York, DC, Philadelphia and Chicago basically crippled the entire airline system. Planes and crews were stuck in snowy areas, so no one could get where they needed to go. I investigated buses and trains, and even considered driving from Boston to Indianapolis overnight. But I’d have been heading straight into the eye of the storm, and the more I thought about it, the last thing my grandma would ever have wanted is for Jeff and me to risk our life trying to get home for her funeral. She didn’t even like when I drove at night.

So I took a couple bereavement days and stayed around our apartment resting and trying to process everything. I’m starting to worry I’m not getting sufficient closure. I needed to see her body to really believe it was true. I needed to be with my family. But I couldn’t. So I moped around the house watching TV, napping and snacking.

I haven’t cared to know what the scale has to say, which is never good. I suspect I’m likely back up to 200. Oh, dreaded 200.

This isn’t working. My whole half-assed approach to weight loss isn’t working. Here’s the bottom line: I desperately want to be in the 170s by June. We’re going back to Indiana the first week of June, and I would love to be wearing a smaller size by then. To be noticeably thinner.

My grandma’s death has me thinking about my own health. My grandma was always very active and fit from doing lots of housework. Then about 15 years ago she started getting sicker. At that time, I really believe she should have taken up walking or another form of physical activity. But she became increasingly sedentary, and her health worsened over the years. She’s been basically immobile for several years now. She spent most of her days in front of the TV, legs hanging off the side of the bed because she couldn’t lift them up. Food became one of the only things she could still enjoy, so she indulged in cakes, pies, fried food and milkshakes. Soon she was 180 pounds, which is a lot for someone who’s 4’11”.

How different would things have been for her if she’d committed to exercise and better eating? For years she stayed healthy through vigorous housework and smaller portions of fattening Southern food, but that wasn’t enough to keep her healthy into old age. My other grandmother is ten years older, but she’s always followed a low-fat diet and still walks two miles a day. She’s in fantastic shape and still leads an incredibly vibrant life at 89.

My mom is quickly sliding into poor health, just like her mother. She’s at least 60 pounds overweight, has high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and can’t walk more than a few blocks at a time. I’m in far better health, but I’m also 50 pounds overweight. When my mom was my age (25), she weighed 135.

I have to make this transformation a priority. This isn’t working, and I’m tired of letting myself down. I keep imagining how amazing it would feel to be 20 pounds lighter by Spring. To go buy cute new summer clothes in a smaller size. To feel better about tank tops, shorts and swim suits.

I MUST resume religiously tracking Weight Watchers Points. Here’s the pattern I’ve been following: Track all day at work, go home with 8-13 available Points for the rest of the day, then pretty eat whatever and not track it. And then it’s just anything goes on the weekend—no tracking whatsoever, usually at least five drinks between Friday and Sunday.

Okay, so religious tracking will help get the weight off. But I am stuck in a SERIOUS plateau. My body is extremely comfortable at this weight. It will be extremely hard to get it off, so I need to go a step further.

Hence, my new theory: The Rule of Four

Four workouts a week
Four 16-oz cups of water a day
Four or less alcoholic beverages a week
Four times eating out a month (I may be more flexible with this one, but it’s my goal.)

To quote Tobias from Arrested Development, “Let the great experiment begin!!”

A Different Kind of Loss

2010-02-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

After several years of declining health, my grandma passed away on Saturday night. It was expected; she's been in the hospital on and off for years, and when she was checked in five days ago, it became clear that this time might actually be the end. My mom was with her, holding her hand, at the time she passed. It was an utterly peaceful way to go as I can possibly imagine. And we were as prepared as anyone can possibly be.

It's still difficult to reconcile the details. I'm finding I can't really grasp the enormity of it, so instead I'm focusing on the little things. How I won't ever hear her voice again. How her house, the home she's occupied for over 40 years, is now empty. How I'll never again dial her phone number, a number I've had memorized my entire life, and hear her pick up on the other end like clockwork. How she won't get to attend my wedding or meet my children, events that would have meant more to her than I can possibly explain.

I've also been thinking about unconditional love. How many people in your life tell you every time you see them how much they love you? Tell you how beautiful you are? Tell you how proud of you they are? My grandma adored with an unassuming consistency that boggles my mind. She was entirely uninterested in my flaws. Unaware of them, even. She was a simple-minded woman with a kind of childlike innocence. She saw the world mainly in absolutes. And when it came to me, I could do no wrong. I can only hope to someday be the person she thought me to be.

I'm also worried about my mom. My grandma has been an utterly constant presence in her life. In all her 56 years, my mom has never lived further than 10 miles away from her. For the past 15 years she's gone over several times a week to take care of things around the house. Not a day goes by that they didn't talk on the phone. And while their relationship wasn't always the happiest, it was most certainly a huge part of my mother's life. She's handling things pretty well, but given her already-chronic depression, I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I've been trying to keep my eating somewhat in check, but honestly, exercise has fallen by the wayside. It just doesn't feel right to act energetic and enthusiastic at a time like this. I just need to focus on finishing up my responsibilities at work so I can hop on a plane back to Indiana as soon as possible.

The Scale is Cooperating. My Mind is Another Story.

2010-02-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

After last week’s disappointing weigh in, I was anxious to kick it into high gear to make sure I rocked the next meeting. I kept my eating (fairly) in check and worked out Friday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night was actually an interesting little incident. I got home from choir practice a little after 10. Given that I leave the house at 7, that put me right around a 15-hour day. Yet I knew if I didn’t get a good workout in, I wouldn’t be down enough in the morning to really rock my weigh in.

I asked Jeff is I could do my video in the living room. He was playing a game and whined a little that he wouldn’t be able to play it in the bedroom. The particular DVD I wanted to do requires more room, so I got frustrated and shut myself in the bathroom. I drew a bath and sulked in the tub. I was irritable; the last thing I wanted to do was an intense workout video, and Jeff’s protest struck a nerve. He immediately came in apologizing, trying to convince me to still do my video. I told him to go away.

Almost as soon as I dismissed him, I realized how much better the bath would feel after a good workout. I thought about how awesome it would feel to have a good loss at my meeting the next day. I got out of the tub, dried off and changed into my workout clothes. As punishment, I made Jeff do an intense 45-minute DVD with me. It was a harder workout than I’d planned, and having him by my side really encouraged me to push myself.

In the morning I saw 197 on the scale. A number I haven’t seen since 2007. I went to my weigh in and registered a very satisfying 2.2 pound loss. I also reached a Weight Watchers milestone: For the first time ever, I weighed in at less than 200 at my official weigh in. It felt so nice to see a 1 on my weight log!

I feel immensely hopeful in achieving this small goal. It feels like real progress. Hitting this lower number has convinced me that, through hard work and steady progress, I can and WILL achieve my greater goal.

Since then, however, I’ve been struggling a bit. My eating hasn’t been outright out of control; I just haven’t been tracking very careful and can feel a “bingey” mindset attempting to break through. Last night I had two glasses of wine and munched all evening. I ate some jelly beans this morning (no idea why) that caused a mild sugar headache. I managed to have a somewhat healthy lunch, but my heart wasn’t in it. I spent the entire meal fantasizing about driving up to Burger King and eating a combo meal in my car. But I didn’t.

I need to get my head back in the game. Every time I reach a lower number, I give up a little and slightly regress to my old ways, until I’m two pounds heavier. Rinse and repeat.

I’m going to start by tracking for the last two days. Every bite.

I’m going to do a workout as soon as I get home tonight. No excuses.

I’m going to track this entire weekend instead of letting myself indulge a little.

My goal for next week’s weigh in is 196 or lower. Can I do it?

Improving Eating Habits

2010-01-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

I’m happy to report some excellent progress in changing my eating habits. Here are three specific instances:

Situation #1: Yesterday my colleague and I ran to TJ Maxx on our lunch break. I picked out an adorable new Calvin Klein dress on clearance (size 12!) to wear on Valentine’s Day. As we left the store and approached my car, she suggested stopping by Burger King, which is right next door. I was planning on having a Boca burger on an Arnold’s Sandwich Thin with leftover broccoli, but I conceded and we went through the drive thru. I was extremely tempted to order fries, and she even said to me, “Oh, you can break your diet a little, it’s no biggie.” But I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo. No fries or anything. It was only seven Points. It wasn’t the best food to fuel my body (the bun was still sugary white bread), but it was certainly one of the better choices.

Situation #2: When I got home from work last night, I was in a terrible mood for some reason. I felt stressed, extremely tired and very anxious. I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my anxiety, which of course only intensified my mental distress. Jeff was working late, so I knew I was on my own for dinner. After a short nap, I rummaged through the cabinets looking for something to eat. I spotted a box of cream of wheat and thought about making a big bowl of it, with lots of butter and sugar (one of my favorite childhood comfort foods). I seriously considered ordering takeout or driving up to McDonald’s. But I was able to talk myself out of it. I made a quesadilla with two whole wheat tortillas, black beans, corn, jalapenos and cheese. It was really big (I called the whole thing 10 Points), but it was filling and nutritious. I didn’t snack the rest of the night. Normally when Jeff isn’t home, I sleep, eat and watch TV. I snack uncontrollably. I managed to avoid that!

Situation #3: Every Friday morning my office has free Panera bagels in the kitchen. Delicious, fresh bagels in every variety you can imagine, complete with multiple tubs of heavenly cream cheese. I always try to resist the bagels’ enticing call, and I fail about 40% of the time. I usually choose the standard plain because it’s lowest in calories. And of course I use the low-fat cream cheese; I honestly can’t taste the difference.

Inevitably, two hours after eating the bagel I feel absolutely terrible. My head feels foggy and heavy, I feel ravenously hungry despite consuming all those calories, and I’m extremely tempted to break into the candy or have some chips/cookies from the snack cabinet. In short, it starts an endless cycle of overeating for the whole day, not to mention how godawful it makes me feel. Some days I have a Fiber One English muffin with cream cheese, just to make myself feel like I’m getting the bagel experience. However, today I made myself some scrambled egg whites in the microwave and paired them with nonfat Chobani and blueberries. That was two hours ago and I still feel fine.

I’m so excited to be listening to my body and learning from its feedback. My body doesn’t like empty carbs with no protein. Apparently after years of feeling like crap after carb-heavy meals, I’m finally starting to catch on!

If It Doesn't Feel Like Work...

2010-01-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

…it’s not going to work. I had a pretty disappointing weigh in yesterday. For some reason I jumped .8 pounds from Tuesday to Wednesday. I was feeling sick on Tuesday night and went to bed at 8:00, after having Wendy’s for dinner. I had a large chili with four saltines, a side salad with 2T light ranch and exactly 10 of Jeff’s fries. I was still hungry and unsatisfied after dinner, so I had some nonfat Greek yogurt mixed with canned pumpkin for dessert. I then promptly fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 6:30 a.m.

On Tuesday morning I weight 199.2. I guess the combination of high-sodium fast food and no workout led the scale to read an even 200 on Wednesday morning. I was pissed, but that’s was still a pound less than last week, so I figured I’d be okay at my weigh in. However, I was on a different scale than last time, and it obviously weighs a little heavier because, after my weight registered, the older lady behind the counter said, “You’re up .2, honey.”

Is anyone else familiar with this feeling? Standing on the Weight Watchers scale, nervous because you didn’t have the best week, exhaling all the air out of your lungs in case oxygen somehow affects that number? I hate feeling uncertain about my progress, and I dread the little pep talk they try to give you if you’re up, even by .2 pounds.

I wanted to protest, tell her I weighed myself this morning and there’s no way I’ve gained since then since all I’ve had is a cup of coffee and seven almonds. But then I thought back. Have I been tracking every day? Not really. Have I been measuring all my portions? Definitely not. Did I have too much alcohol? Probably. Did I get in all my workouts? No.

Did I deserve to see a loss? Not really!

I am so sick of that feeling. I feel hopeless and scared that I won’t be able to lose any weight. My initial goal is to lose 5% of my body weight, or 10 pounds. I want to meet this goal desperately. I’ve been stuck around 200 for literally YEARS. I don’t have any concept of what it’s like to weigh under 190 anymore. I won’t feel like any progress is happening until I achieve a loss that matters to me.

I fought tears for the first 15 minutes of my meeting, then I got over it and resolved to keep going. A woman in our group made lifetime yesterday, and in the process of congratulating her, the leader made a comment about maintenance. She said her advice to the woman was to keep going to meetings and stay on the program just like she did before, only eating maintenance-level calories. She emphasized the importance of coming to a meeting every week. I chimed in with a comment: “I’ve decided that, loss or gain, I’m coming every single week. I finally realized that if I just keep going, there’s no way I can’t fail. The only way I’ll fail is by giving up.” Saying those words aloud to a group of strangers really made something click inside me. Tears sprang to my eyes and I felt a wave of relief come over me.

This week I’m going to do the work. I’ve been half-assing the program as always, and I’m getting half-ass results. A colleague and I were discussing weight last night at our company’s 2010 kickoff party. I was talking about maintaining this undesirable weight for so long, and how I felt like nothing has worked to help me get the weight off. She said that this weight is my body’s set point. My body does NOT want to move from this number, so I have to do something really different to shake it up in order to see a loss.

I know exercise is the missing link. Hard, intense exercise. I’m going to do the work until I reach my goal, then keep going until I reach the next one. I didn’t fully accept it until I said it aloud: If I don’t quit, I will never fail.

Some Thoughts on Accountability

2010-01-25T06:21:00.001-08:00

So I've been plugging along these past couple weeks, attending Weight Watchers meeting regularly again. I've been paying for a monthly pass for about a year, but I haven't really consistently gone to meetings. Actually the last time I went to meetings before now was June. Wow...I wasted a lot of money; I could have been using that membership money well AND losing weight this whole time.

Anyway, I've proven to be extremely talkative in the meetings (as usual), and my leader directs her lecture at me a lot and often asks for my thoughts if she sees me nodding my head. I enjoy speaking up; it hammers home how much I need to be there when I realize how much I have in common with all these women (and men). During last week's meeting she asked me how much weight I'd lost, I answered in recent terms, automatically saying, "Well, I just started last week, so only two pounds." Of course everyone still applauded, and she noted that it was still something to be proud of.

Then I thought, "Wait. I should have said 22 pounds, because since I first started back in 2007, that's actually how much I've lost." Then I thought that since I've actually lost 40 pounds from my heaviest weight, maybe I should have said that. Two pounds really doesn't tell my whole story.

I thought about this question later on in the week--am I just beginning again, or is this all a continuation? I've been maintaining this weight for over three years, save for a few fluctuations in either direction. I expressed some frustration to Jeff that I haven't been losing weight faster. I have 50-60 pounds to lose--shouldn't I be seeing those initial big numbers (losses each week of 4-6 pounds) that give people the motivation to continue? "But you're not just beginning. You're not making some huge switch from terrible eating and no activity to perfect eating and tons of activity. It's not a shock to your body."

Good point, huh? I eat relatively well and get a decent amount of exercise, but I don't consistently restrict my calories enough to actually lose.

In comes the importance of accountability. Last weekend I splurged a little food wise in New York. I ate a bagel and some other Jewish deli deliciousness (cheese blintzes, anyone?). Here's a pic of us at the Jewish deli. I'm on the left:

I also ate some Mexican food, lots of drinks and part of a massive cupcakes. I temporarily lost my mind and proceeded to buy four cupcakes to take home:
If you've never been to Crumbs Bakery in New York, beware! These cupcakes were easily the size of large muffins. And NYC posts calorie information everywhere by law, so I actually saw exactly how many calories were in each of these bad boys (around 550-650).

Then for some reason, as soon as we got home I didn't even want them anymore. It was Sunday night, and I knew if I wanted to see a loss at my Wednesday meeting, I'd have to seriously watch my Points and get in some butt-kicking workouts. And that's exactly what I did. And I saw a loss.

Do you think under normal circumstances I would have worked hard to make sure my indulgences weren't reflected on the scale? I really doubt it. I was tired from a long, whirlwind weekend of bus rides, whisking around NYC and sleeping less than six hours a night. The last thing I wanted to do was get some intense workouts in before Wednesday. But I did it, and I saw a loss.

That's how I felt this weekend. We went out to dinner with friends on Saturday night, and while I tried to order smartly, I had several full-calorie beers. But I got my eating in order straight away on Sunday morning. Normally I'd have blown off good eating and exercise on Sunday in favor of waiting until Monday, but I ate really well and did 40 minutes of intense strength and cardio. And the scale was down this morning! Funny how that works. :)

Still Alive!

2010-01-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been quite awhile since a post! For anyone reading, I promise I'm not falling off into the blogger abyss! I spent two weeks at my parents house in Indianapolis over the holidays, and they actually don't have Internet access. They're periodically able to steal neighbors' unlocked wireless networks, but let's just say it's spotty at best.

Since returning to Boston, I've been hit with the double whammy of 12-hour work days and lots of rehearsals and performances with my choir. But I have some good posts ideas brewing and will make it a priority to get a good one up tomorrow.

Other updates:

Jeff and I are spending the weekend in NYC! We've never been there together, so I'm really excited.
I started going to Weight Watchers again on Wednesday, and I'm really excited about it. I've made a promise to myself that I have to go to a meeting every week, regardless of whether or not I think I've lost weight. In the past, I've followed this very distinct pattern: I'll cheat for a bit, not lose very much, skip a meeting telling myself "I'll work hard and go next week," and then voila, it's five months later and I'm five pounds heavier. Not this time!
I've been pretty on track with my workouts (thank you 30-day Shred), and I've tried some really cool new healthy recipes. More to come!

That's it for now. I'm still at work and will probably be here until 8. Bleh. January is a very busy month for PR practitioners, as it happens! :)

Weigh-In Wednesday: Onederland!

2009-12-16T18:04:00.001-08:00

Well, I successfully dodged the cupcakes (including leftovers today!) and...

...I'm very happy to report that as of this morning I weighed 199.2! Somehow, I managed to pull off a 2.4 pound loss this week. And I know exactly why.

I bitch and moan about it, but intense exercise is crucial for my weight loss. Cutting calories alone doesn't do much for me. It has to be moderate calorie restriction combined with regular hard workouts.

Monday night I did level two of the 30-Day Shred--a great workout. Tuesday night I did my favorite workout DVD ever, Denise Austin's Boot Camp. It's 40 minutes of cardio with bursts of strength training as active recovery.

I completed four solid workouts this week, and watched my calories for four days out of seven. It wasn't a perfect week by any means. I ate pretty badly over the weekend and didn't get much exercise. But I turned things around Monday, got back to work and successfully made up for it.

I feel like I'm starting to put some of the "pieces" together. My weight loss equation is becoming clearer. This past week confirms my belief that it's not necessary to put your life on hold to lose weight. I am perfectly fine with making modest changes that results in a slow, steady loss. But under 200 is nice to see! My weight starts with a one, not a two. :)

However, I realize backsliding up into the 200's again is absolutely possible. I'm heading home to Indianapolis on Saturday, and I'll likely be inundated with food and alcohol for a full two weeks. So the exercise needs to come up a notch to accommodate for these factors. I'm starting to believe I can do this! I feel different already!

Lauren vs. The Cupcakes

2009-12-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

Top reasons I am NOT going to have a cupcake when they're distributed at my office this afternoon:

An hour after eating it, I'll feel completely wiped out and shaky.
They're caked in super sweet buttercream frosting that hurts my teeth and makes my tongue feel slimy.
The post-cupcake tiredness will cause me to skip my workout later since "I already blew it today."
I have no idea how many calories would be in said cupcake. Could be anywhere from 350-800, and I don't like those odds!
In two months, I'll never remember the pain of resisting this cupcake, but I might be wearing smaller jeans!
Tomorrow is Weigh-In Wednesday, and if I don't work it, I'll have to report a gain to all of you in Internetland!

I'm Trying...

2009-12-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

..to eat a little cleaner after a weekend of too many carbs.
...to get in all my exercise despite a busy week trying to prepare for my trip home to Indianapolis.
...to get out of the sugar cycle.

I had a really fun weekend. On Friday night, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to get dinner supplies, resisting the urge to go out to eat. I also did my 30-Day Shred as soon as I got home. For dinner I made coconut-crusted halibut and rice. I had a nice small 4 oz portion of fish, but then I ate too much of the white rice. I'm sure it was still better than eating out, though.

Saturday morning my choir sang Christmas carols for Christmas at Fenway, an annual fun event at Fenway Park for season ticket holders to come enter a lottery to decide which seats they'll get for the Red Sox season. We sang carols for three hours; it was fun, but really exhausting!

After a nap, Jeff and I headed back downtown for my choir's big holiday concert. It was at Marsh Chapel at Boston University. Here's the outside of the chapel. Breathtaking!
Here's the inside. Equally impressive!
Here's a shot Jeff took of my choir performing. If you look closely, you can see me just above that woman's head:
Lastly, a shot of me and a couple friends after the show. I'm on the right!
After the concert we walked seven FREEZING blocks to Boston Beer Works. I was wearing terribly uncomfortable heels. Well, really any heels are intolerable when you're carrying around 200 pounds of person! Sure, 120 pound girls can wear those four-inch heels, but try wearing them while holding two 40-pound hand weights.

I ate a little too much at Boston Beer Works and had two and a half full-calorie beers. I definitely had a food/slight alcohol hangover the next morning. So what did I do? Ate white bread, pizza and pumpkin cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory. Not good. Then I had the other half of my pizza for dinner, so it was all in all a terrible day. Very little protein, and the only vegetable I consumed was the fatty Caesar salad I had before the pizza. I also drank very little water. The only good decision I made on Sunday was having raspberries as a post-dinner snack. My feet were still literally swollen from the night before, so I didn't even get any exercise. Pretty pathetic.

This morning at work, I felt completely disoriented and unfocused. Part of it had to do with my medicine; this new anti-depressant makes me dizzy for a few hours after I take it. But it was worse today. I literally came out of the bathroom (that I use every day), and I felt so out of it that I didn't know which way to go. Then it occurred to me--I was having serious withdrawal after all that sugar and white flour. I felt lifeless and terrible. I was dehydrated and overcaffeinated. In short, my body was not happy with me.

I turned things around today, thankfully. I drank lots of water, ate well and did my 30-Day Shred as soon as I got home. Here's to making the rest of this week just the same! :)

Weigh-In Wednesday: A Tricky Number

2009-12-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

As of this morning, I weigh 201.6. I'm thankful for this--it's 1.8 pound loss since last week, and I've eaten things like McDonald's, Chinese food, a Reese's Christmas tree (amazing...) and a large chocolate chip cookie. I've also worked out a few times and cut out some late night eating, so I was able to keep things moving in the right direction despite a few too many indulgences. However, this number represents some significant challenges for me.

For the past few months, I've fluctuated between 199-207, generally staying around 204. Only once did I get down to 199, and I was ecstatic. So ecstatic that I rewarded myself with food and laziness and quickly put on a few pounds again.

Ridiculous, right? We're talking about a difference of like five pounds here. It isn't real weight loss, but seeing a number that starts with a 1 instead of a 2 really gets me excited. (Even though these numbers are so arbitrary when you think about.)

Anyway, the past couple months I've noticed a pattern. 201.6 is the number I hit when I'm starting to do well; when I've been on track for a few days, getting some activity, etc. But every single time I bounce back up almost immediately after reaching it. I'm so excited to almost be permanently out of the 200s that I sabotage it. This pattern has to end.

I desperately want to prove to myself that I can lose an actually noticeable amount of weight. For the past three years I've been at almost this exact weight. I really want to lose at least 10 pounds to show myself I can reach a goal if I truly work for it. But thinking about it that way puts too much pressure on everything. I start to feel overwhelmed and give up out of frustration and impatience.

So I'm not "celebrating" this small loss; not this time. I'm not in this for the short run anymore. I choose to celebrate the fact that I've felt more positive recently and am getting on a better track, in general.

Will I break the pattern and continue downward next week, and the weeks after it? We'll see, but I know for sure that my whole mindset is going through a serious positive shift!

Here's my exercise game plan for the rest of the week:

Tomorrow--Yoga class and running one mile. Last week after yoga I decided to try to run a mile and see how I did. I'm happy to report I ran a 12 minute mile. Not too bad considering I almost never run! I'm planning to continue running just a bit after yoga each week in an effort to improve my endurance.
Friday-Sunday. Do the 30-Day Shred twice.

Well, after a long day at work and an evening of babysitting our friends' 8-month-old son, I'm completely wiped out. Goodnight! :)

A Wonderful Weekend in Pictures

2009-12-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

So I've been feeling fairly positive and motivated lately. I did level two of the 30-Day Shred as soon as I got home from work tonight, then showered and changed into pajamas by 7:30. I laid in bed watching HGTV while Jeff made me dinner. It was SO relaxing, and I felt amazing. I never want to work out when I get home; I always convince myself I need a little nap before I feel up to it, but what do you know, I often skip the workout once I'm comfortably settled in front of the television.

We had a pretty wonderful weekend. I'm cautiously optimistic that the Wellbutrin is helping me feel more like myself. It could just be the holiday spirit, but I was smiling and laughing all weekend!

Friday night we grabbed drinks with some friends at a bar in downtown Boston. Here's a shot of Jeff and me:

Saturday night we attended Jeff's work Christmas party in Worcester. I forgot the camera, so no pictures of that, but it was pretty uneventful, as most work parties can be. I had some fantastic coconut salmon and tried bok choy for the first time, so that was a plus. I think some bok choy experiments are in order...

Sunday we had an absolutely fantastic day. We did some Christmas shopping, got lunch, saw A Christmas Carol in 3-D (I liked it!), then came home and decorated the Christmas tree. If you remember, Jeff tried to get me to decorate the tree last weekend, but I was in a black cloud. Well, with a cup of Starbucks hot chocolate in hand and a homemade (except for the crust) pizza in the oven, I was in better spirits. Here's a pic of the pizza. I used the Pillsbury ready-made dough, and it was just okay; it had a biscuit-like texture and not much flavor. I don't know about you, but if I'm going to eat white flour, it better be something delicious! I think I'll stick to my usual Stop n Shop whole grain crust. Toppings were a small amount of light mozzarella, onions, green peppers, a few turkey pepperoni and some dabs of fat-free ricotta cheese!

After pizza, served with steamed brussel sprouts, we turned on the Christmas music and got to decorating. Here's a before and after on the tree. We have lots of goofy ornaments we've acquired over the years, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Sydney and the undecorated tree:
And Jeff putting on the finishing touches:
Eating hasn't been fantastic. I had McDonald's on Saturday and some Chinese food on Saturday, not to mention two beers on Friday night and four on Saturday night. I've decided to go back to calorie counting for awhile until I get a better handle on things. Today I ate around 1590 and got 30 minutes of intense cardio in--not too bad. Things are looking up. :)

Weigh-In Wednesday

2009-12-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

I think it will help me stay on track to post my weight here once a week. I'm not so concerned with big losses each week--I just want to keep an idea on the general direction. If I'm only down .2 pounds, no worries--it's the long run that counts! If I've lost 20 or 30 pounds in two years, I'll be a very happy girl!

As of this morning I weighed: 203.2

Okay, on to some more updates! As I mentioned in my last post, I've been experiencing some depression lately, so I talked to a psychiatrist on Tuesday. She agreed that the low energy, lack of focus and feelings of hopelessness all point to a chemical inbalance in my brain. She prescribed me a mild anti-depressant (Wellbutrin), which I started taking today. I looked up the side effects online, and thankfully weight gain wasn't one of them, so I was relieved!

It felt really good to acknowledge this emotional rut and declare it a work in progress. I know the medication won't be this miracle drug that makes my life suddenly perfect; I'm just hoping to emerge from the black cloud enough to recapture control of my life.

In other news, eating and exercise have been pretty good. I've been doing lots of yoga and taking walks, which feels like a pretty good combination for now. Tomorrow I'm going to my weekly yoga/pilates class. My friend and I have been going consistently for a couple months now. I don't feel like I've made significant strides yet, but I've definitely gotten some great ab work in! I'm aiming to do at least three hours of yoga a week on a regular basis. My dream is to attend a ritzy yoga retreat somewhere exotic. I definitely need to build up my strength and repertoire of poses before I take that leap.

I've also been really busy performing with my choir. I'm a member of an elite group of singers that performs around Boston, and the holiday season is a busy time! Tonight we performed for a really sweet group of elderly residents at a local retirement home. They really enjoyed the upbeat numbers, and I could see the happiness and appreciation all over their faces as they took in our performance. After the show I spoke with several of the attendees. One took hold of my hand and told me over and over how much she enjoyed the show, and I could tell it really brightened her day to chat with me for a bit. It was one of the most rewarding concerts I've had since joining the group a few months ago.

Being part of this group is time consuming, with rehearsals and performances every week, but I realized tonight what a healthy activity it is to have in my life. Instead of laying around watching HGTV all night (what I would have done if I'd been at home), I engaged in something I love doing and connected with a group of people that really appreciated me. And none of it involved food. (Except for the cookie table they had out after the concert, which I deftly avoided!)

I leave with you an adorable pic of my dog, Sydney, cuddling with Jeff's XBox controller:

Admitted: I Have Food Issues

2009-11-29T18:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up today in an utterly gloomy, black mood. Part of it has to do with the long weekend ending, and the other part I suspect has been percolating for a few months: my returned depression.

I have a really rough family history with mental illness. My mother has crippling bipolar disorder and has been unable to hold a job for the last 20 years. My father has chronic depressive symptoms and has become a moderate alcoholic in the last 10 years. My brother has severe panic disorder, and at 21 years old, he still hasn't graduated from high school.

As I mentioned in my introductory post, I've faced some serious depression in the past. I gained around 60 pounds in college when depression set in and my life spiraled out of control. Fortunately, I found that once I got my life in order again, I didn't feel like I needed the Prozac anymore. For the past three years, I've managed my depression my keeping to a more active lifestyle and a normal work schedule.

But it hasn't been working lately. I've been completely unable to focus at work and my performance has slipped. I sometimes fight back tears all morning for no reason at all. I constantly sabotage my weight loss efforts because I'm unable to maintain that stride.

I have a mental health assessment scheduled for Tuesday morning, and to be honest, I'm desperate for help. I just don't feel like myself. All day today, my boyfriend has tried to get my out of my black cloud. He suggested we decorate the Christmas tree--I refused. He checked in on me as I slept all day and hid from the world. He went out to get pizza for lunch and made us big salads to go with it. He took a walk with me, though I didn't speak much the entire time.

I've never associated myself with the idea of emotional eating. I spend too much time blaming my weight issues on family history, discounting my very real issues with food. Here's a list of what I've eaten today:

Large bowl of Fiber One cereal with skim milk
String cheese
260 calories of rice pudding
3 large slices of extra cheese pizza
Dinner roll
Large salad with light dressing
Several bites pumpkin pie
Low-fat carrot cake cupcake
Piece of pumpkin bread
Several large marshmallows
2 large pieces Ghiradelli Peppermint Bark chocolate
Another string cheese

And that's just everything I can remember. I've been eating around once an hour all day, and then sleeping after every snack. Jeff (my boyfriend) has been trying to keep me in check. He insisted the restaurant only give us two rolls instead of a whole bag, even though I protested because I wanted to gorge myself on rolls. He made us big salads to fill up on before we dug into the pizza. He went on a walk with me and suggested I do some yoga. He put up our beautiful Christmas tree and asked me to decorate it with him while listening to Christmas music--a healthy, positive activity that doesn't include food.

I insisted on sitting in my cloud, denying that I was using food to soothe myself. Until I realized I'd been eating constantly all day. It doesn't feel emotionally-charged when I'm doing it. But then I looked at my day today: gloomy, depressed, didn't stop eating all day. There has to be a connection there.

Even writing this post tonight was a step in the right direction. When I'm off the wagon I just want to hide. Admitting to my action today and putting there out there took a lot of guts for me. I like to pretend these days don't exist, then turn around and bellyache about not being able to lose weight. Well it's time to break the cycle. I will NOT think of myself as a victim to some weight-loss-preventing demon that I can't name. I am overweight for a reason, and hopefully after my appointment on Tuesday, I'll have some perspective on the depression that seems to be at the root of these issues.

Now I'm going to make a light dinner, do that yoga and put up the Christmas tree--this day doesn't have to end the same way it started.

Healthy Living Blogs: Inspirational or Confusing?

2009-11-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

In the past two years, I've become a passionate follower of many weight loss/healthy living blogs, such as Roni's Weigh, Lynn's Weigh, Escape from Obesity, MizFit, Diet Girl, A Merry Life, Fat Bridesmaid, Questions for Dessert, Mama's Weeds, Joania's Journey, Pasta Queen, Healthy Tipping Point...really, the list could go on and on!

I find all these women amazing and inspirational, however I often fall into the trap of comparing myself to them. I know, I know--comparing yourself to others is usually a horrible idea. But as someone trying to figure out what sort of healthy lifestyle will work best for, for someone trying to get to it again, it's sort of unavoidable. These blogs offer a wealth of information and better yet, they offer the personal perspective of a real, live person that has likely gone through many things I have.

I typically divide these bloggers in my mind--the ones I can relate to and feel inspired by, and the ones that generally leave me feeling bad about myself. For example, I completely relate to Roni from Roni's Weigh, Lyn from Escape from Obesity, Mary from A Merry Life, Miranda from Fat Bridesmaid, Shauna from DietGirl and Jennette from Pasta Queen. These women seem to approach healthy living in way that feels attainable for me. They live busy, normal lives. They enjoy treats often and in moderation. And they slip up frequently, but always get right back on the horse. These women have shown me that it's completely possible to lose and maintain weight by balancing everything and never stopping. They inspire and motivate me.

Then there are the group of bloggers that keep to lifestyles that sound really rigid. I completely support these women and absolutely respect their decision to choose the lifestyle that works best for them. But personally, it sounds impossible. Bloggers like Lynn from Lynn's Weigh and Joania from Joania's Journey seem to have willpower of STEEL. They very, very rarely deviate from their food plans, almost never miss a workout, and make no excuses about their decision to live their lives this way. I find it AWESOME and completely empowering that these women have taken complete control over "calories in and calories out." All the bloggers I follow have most certainly claimed completely control of their lives and are very strong women, but the second group seem to exhibit a level of self control to their diets and exercise regimes that seems almost fanatical. I say this completely from my own perspective, as it's up to every single person to determine what works best for themselves.

The problem I run into is constant self doubt. One the one hand, it feels more comfortable to take a moderate approach to my healthy living journey. I'm trying to make small challenges that add up over time. I let life intervene--a lot, I'll admit. I skip the workout if I'm exhausted or sick. I grab takeout if I've cooked all week and need a break. I have more than one glass of wine if I feel like and the rest of my day has been good.

But then I read these blogs of other people with enviable progress. I begin to wonder if the super slow approach will even get me anywhere. I contemplate getting up at 5 a.m. to exercise every day. I ponder cutting my calories down to less than 1000 a day and quitting coffee and tea. I feel guilty I don't use more organic products. I watch The Biggest Loser and constantly say to my boyfriend, "How can that woman lose 12 pounds in a week and I haven't lost that in a year??"

On the one hand, maybe I should set a program and just stick to it, never giving it another thought. But doesn't that limit the potential benefits of all this blog exposure? Isn't blogging essentially an attempt to connect with and learn from anyone out there who can relate to what you're going through? However, can't it be detrimental to your overall progress to constantly doubt your efforts and consider switching to another plan altogether?

Under Pressure

2009-11-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a doctor's appointment. Apparently I have a terrible bladder infection, causing intense lower back and abdominal pain. Fun stuff! Hopefully the strong antibiotic she prescribed me will clear it up in no time.

Anyone who's carried even a little extra weight knows how emotionally taxing it can be to see the doctor. Doctors' scales are highly accurate and can certainly be a wake-up call if you haven't weighed yourself recently. I remember weighing in at 236 one winter morning two years ago. I hadn't weighed myself in several months, but knew I'd put on quite a few pounds as I literally had to wear sweat pants every single day. I felt and looked terrible, but I was in denial about my overall weight gain; seeing that number was a serious punch in the stomach. As soon I got back to my car in the parking lots, I burst into tears and cried for hours. This was after begging the doctor to prescribe me Adipex or another appetite suppressant. He refused, and I felt completely hopeless. At that time, I really didn't think I could lose any weight without the help of medication.

Thankfully, I'm much lighter today and knew what to expect from the evil doctor's scale. My scale this morning read 202.4, so seeing 205.6 was no surprise in full clothing after two meals.

No, the number that somewhat startled me today was my blood pressure. I'm certainly genetically prone to higher blood pressure thanks to my family history, so I'm always a bit concerned about it. Last time I measured it, it was 126/81. Today it was 140/90.

Granted, the last time I took it was at a machine in a pharmacy, so that could account for some of the difference. Plus, I tend to start having a mini anxiety attack as soon as I step in the doctor's door, so stress could certainly be a factor. But these are all just excuses.

140/90 isn't classified as high according to this index, but it's absolutely borderline high. It's borderline high blood pressure. And I'm 25 years old.

I recently had my cholesterol measured, since I have a godawful family history there as well. It was 198, just two points shy of being high. My mom once had cholesterol of over 1000--literally so high she should have been dead. There's so way she could eat enough fat for it to be that, so clearly there was something wrong with her body. I'm sure I'll have issues with it someday--we seem to have the same physical characteristics for almost everything. So it's something to be concerned about, for sure.

Okay, so I'm borderline high pressure and almost borderline high cholesterol. It sounds to me like I'm dangerously close to developing metabolic syndrome. All I need to now is insulin resistance (pre-Diabetes) and I've never been tested for that, so I could have it already.

Most of the time I feel healthy. I'm overweight but active, and I never feel my weight holds me back (except emotionally). But despite feeling healthy, I'm NOT. I'm borderline everything, in terms of my health, and that's not a place I want to be at my age.

It's time to stop living a borderline life. It's time to be as healthy and happy as I can possibly be.

Sounds Like a Plan (and Mini Meatloaf)

2009-11-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Roni for her encouraging comment. :) It got me thinking about my plan for this blog and where I should be focusing my energies. I think I'm going to post a quick recap of daily calories and exercise, but only to observe my weight's overall patterns. I feel like a common pattern of mine is to count calories for a week or so, see a moderate loss, slack off on carefully tracking the next week, see a less significant loss, then give up because "no matter what I do, I can't lose weight, so it's not worth the effort." This logic is flawed in so many ways. Carefully tracking what I'm eating, combined with getting in more intense exercise, will result in slow, steady weight loss for me. I need to stop dieting for two days, weighing myself and feeling disappointed, then giving up.

For these past three years, I've been scoffing at .5-1.5 weekly losses. If I'd never given up, I'd have slowly and steadily lost these extra 50 pounds! So that's the plan. Track calories and exercise to learn more about how my body works, but give up the scale obsession. And more importantly, I need to focus on really, truly loving myself without make my weight the criteria by which I measure my happiness.

I want to use this space to mainly focus on living my best possible life. In that vein, I want to share a delicious recipe I made for my boyfriend and me! :)

Mini Meatloaf

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Ingredients:

1 pound of extra-lean ground beef
1 medium carrot, shredded
1 medium zucchini, shredded and squeezed dry
1/2 yellow onion, finely chopped
1/2 green pepper, finely chopped
1 tbsp chili powder
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 slice whole grain bread as breadcrumbs
2 egg whites
1/3 cup tomato ketchup

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Lightly spray a nonstick or silicone muffin pan with nonstick cooking spray.

Crumble ground beef into a large bowl. Add shredded carrots and zucchini, and chopped onion and green pepper. Add chili powder, Worcestershire sauce and breadcrumbs. Stir with a fork. Add egg whites and knead until well blended.

Spoon mixture into prepared muffin pan and top each cup with ketchup. Bake for 25 minutes, making sure that the internal temperature reaches 165 degrees. Makes 6 mini meatloaves.

I served it with steamed broccoli to look something like this:

Delicious and just the right size!

Calories today: 1620

Activity: 20 minute walk around my office building

Feeling: Exhausted but happy :)

My Millionth Monday

2009-11-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

While I'm not looking to offer an elaborate manifesto, it would seem an introduction is in order. :)

A quick rundown: My name is Lauren. I'm a 25-year-old Indianapolis native currently navigating the Boston area with my boyfriend of five years, Jeff, and our miniature schnauzer, Sydney. Here's a recent picture of the three of us:

By day I'm a public relations executive for an agency specializing in high-tech clients and social media, so I'm no stranger to the blogosphere from a professional perspective.

Personally, I'm in a rut. I've struggled with weight and depression for years. I weighed around 170 for most of high school, and while I was a bit chunky for 5'6", I generally felt okay about myself. I've always thought of myself as "pretty, but I need to lose 3o pounds." In fact, that sentence basically sums up my internal monologue regarding my looks. And I should really work on that.

Anyway, I fluctuated in college and found I felt really comfortable around 160. I wasn't skinny, but I looked great! I've always been larger chested, and looking back on pictures from that time, I can't believe how fantastic I looked. But inside I was still horribly insecure, reeling from several terrible relationships and depressed parents.

In 2004 I began dating my current (amazing) boyfriend, Jeff; I was 19 and weighed around 170. I felt confident, sexy--he made me feel great about myself and my body. Slowly, though, we began retreating into our own little relationship world. We began skipping class and ditching friends to hide away at his apartment. We loved each other, but we had no idea how to balance our obligations with this fantasy "love nest" we'd created. My depression spiraled out of control; my friendships began to crumble; my grades plummeted. Of course, one thing managed to go up: my weight.

Jeff and I awoke from our love como a year and half later to find we'd both gained 60 pounds and nearly failed out of college. I was shocked to learn at the doctor's office that I weighed nearly 240 pounds. I didn't recognize the person I'd become.

As we began to get back on track with school and our lives, the weight started coming off, too. We did Weight Watchers in fall 2006, each losing around 30 pounds. And we also both successfully finished college, GPAs still relatively intact.

But there I've been, hovering around 203, for over three years now. I suppose I should include the quintessential unflattering before pic. Here you go, for all to see...

Anyway, Jeff topped out at 230 and gradually made his way down to 169. It's hard not to compare myself to the infamous Man Standard. They're like, "Hey, I have no issues staying on my plan--I just do it. Man, I've dropped ten pounds in the last two weeks, and I haven't even been working out!"

I've been putting together a lot of the pieces of the weight loss puzzle, but they just haven't been creating a consistent picture. I cook lots of healthy meals, exercise regularly, drinks lots of water, take the stairs--all the things they tell you should help you lose weight. If there are fat skinny people, as is thin people that are actually really out of shape and unhealthy, then I'm a skinny fat person.

Well, here I am, hoping to figure out the reason my pieces haven't yet fit together. In a nation with a food industry dedicated to creating the fattiest, most irresistible concoctions ever known to mankind, the issue of extra weight is hardly uncommon. But I've found so much enjoyment from reading the stories of other healthy living bloggers, and I'm hoping I can get a taste of the encouragement I've been so willing to offer others. Maybe I can deflect some in my own direction, as well.

I leave you with my signature toast and this blog's namesake:

"Here's to it, and to it again. If you ever get to it, do it, because you may never get to it to do it again."